NOTE: I wrote the following in Spring 2021, before Josiah was born.

Yes, that’s right! I’m expecting a baby, but I’m not pregnant. So I’ve decided to share this FAQ for a few reasons: 

1. To educate, clear up confusion, and satisfy curiosity! 

2. To save myself the time and energy of answering a bunch of questions as they come in from various people.

3. To hopefully prevent (or at least reduce the number of) triggering questions and comments… because even the most well-intentioned questions and statements can stir up grief, pain, and frustration.

4. I really wanted to be able to just say “Read the book!” when it was time to announce that I’m expecting a baby—and not carrying…. But the book is going to take longer than I thought and might not even be ready before baby is here. So this FAQ is also a chance for me to fill you in on some of what’s been going on and to see how it feels to share such vulnerable, personal stuff with y’all!

If while reading this there’s something you don’t understand, and it can be Googled, then please just Google it instead of asking me. And if it can’t be Googled, like it’s something more personal about my own experience, you’ll just have to wait for the book to come out! ;-)

Since this world of gestational surrogacy is so foreign to most people, let’s start with some definitions and acronyms.

• ART: Assisted reproductive technology. Cool acronym, right? ;-) My baby will be -- and already is -- a work of ART! 

• GC: Gestational Carrier (aka gestational surrogate). Gestational carriers help build families. As PNWF says on their website: “These carriers go through a full screening process before they are matched with the intended parents. Subsequently, a genetically unrelated embryo is transferred into the carrier’s uterus.”  

  **NOTE: Please do not refer to GCs as “surrogate mothers” or “surrogate moms,” “surro mama,” or “the mother.” Gestational carriers are not the mothers of the babies they carry. I will probably write an article about this some day… 

• IP: Intended Parents. This is the term used to indicate someone like me, someone bringing their baby into the world with the help of a gestational carrier.

  **NOTE: I don’t like this term, as to me the “intended” implies a “but.” I’m not the intended mother. I am the mother, already. So I often ask to just be called an Expecting Mom or Intentional Parent. There is a chance that some day this term will get changed since I’m not the only one who doesn’t like it. Others have said it feels outdated and/or insensitive. 

• IVF: In Vitro Fertilization. From the Mayo clinic: “During IVF, mature eggs are collected (retrieved) from ovaries and fertilized by sperm in a lab. Then the fertilized egg (embryo) or eggs (embryos) are transferred to a uterus. One full cycle of IVF takes about three weeks. Sometimes these steps are split into different parts and the process can take longer.” 

• Egg retrieval: An egg retrieval is a procedure done to remove the egg(s) from a woman's ovaries undergoing Egg Freezing or IVF. First hormones are taken to help more eggs mature. You can read more about the procedure by clicking here. 

• Blastocyst: mass of cells created by fertilizing an egg; 5-day old embryo.  

• Open I.D. Sperm Donor: Someone who donates sperm through a sperm bank and allows for contact by any offspring created if after turning 18 they wish to contact him.

• PNWF: Pacific Northwest Fertility, the fertility clinic I selected for my egg retrievals and my GC’s embryo transfers

• NWSC: Northwest Surrogacy Center, the agency that matched me and my GC. They also provide a case manager to help with various matters that arise throughout the surrogacy process.

• Choice Mom or Single Mom By Choice: These are two similar but different terms coined by women who have written books and started online communities for women who proactively choose to become mothers while single.

Now let’s dive in to the Q&A…

Okay, so why surrogacy?

All I’ve really wanted for years now is to be a mom. So in September 2018, since I was approaching 40 and still single, I started looking into egg freezing. And then looking into egg freezing turned into me deciding to have a baby on my own. I was surprised by this decision since for the past couple of years, when people would ask me if I’d consider having a baby on my own, I always answered with an emphatic NO WAY, no thanks. But then something shifted. I noticed that freezing my eggs didn’t really feel good to me. I’d still be waiting. I’d still be putting off what I wanted most: having a baby and becoming a mom. (By the way, the working title of my next book is “Becoming a Mom.”)                                                                

I won’t get into the whole story and decision-making process here. I’ll just say it became clear to me that I could do this “on my own,” and even though I really yearned to be a happily married mom, I didn’t want to wait for Mr. Right to get started on the motherhood part. It was time for me to become a mom! And I thought I’d just need to find a sperm donor and a midwife, but then I found out it wouldn’t be all that simple and easy for me.     

When I was 16 I was in a nearly fatal car accident and lost 2/3 of my intestines. So a midwife, who was concerned about my scar tissue, advised me to consult with a couple of OBs. And it turns out that because of scar tissue, there actually could be a risk of losing more intestine, and I can’t afford to lose any more. It’s a miracle that my digestion and elimination systems are healthy and functioning well. Losing more intestine would change that. So that’s how surrogacy ended up on the table and then became my path to fulfilling my dream. 

Why not just adopt?

I considered adoption when I found out it would be too risky for me to carry. But a combination of factors, including being single and self-employed, well, it probably would have been difficult. I considered just being an aunt. I considered fostering and not trying to adopt. But then my parents offered to pay for gestational surrogacy. I hadn’t even considered it until they brought it up! What a gift for them to offer -- hard for me to accept at first. But I thought it over and decided to look into surrogacy. I still wasn’t totally sure even after my first meeting with NWSC, but I figured why not see if I have any good eggs and can create some healthy embryos!

Creating embryos? How do you do that?

You might want to do some Googling to learn more about things like egg retrievals, IVF, etc. But long story short, I had a few rounds of egg retrievals. That involves taking hormone injections for a couple of weeks, to help more eggs mature and then having a short procedure during which all the eggs are retrieved. My first round of egg retrievals didn’t result in any “suitable embryos.” But my 2nd round did! 4 “suitable” embryos. Suitable means that when they were tested for chromosomal abnormalities, the results said these embryos were just fine and could be frozen until it was time for an embryo transfer. :-) I took that as a sign that gestational surrogacy would be my path to motherhood. And I decided to do a third round of egg retrievals -- this time only to freeze some eggs, just in case my future husband and I want to create our own little baby some day.

So, who is the father? 

To be determined! My child’s father will be a wonderful man who comes into our lives some day… As for the biological father-- sort of like with the “surrogate mother” thing, I’m not even so sure we should call the sperm donor the “biological father.” Gotta think about that one! But my child does have the option of meeting him as soon as turning 18 if he wants. We’ll also have access to a donor sibling registry, so my son could potentially meet half-siblings! There’s actually so much I want to share about selecting a sperm donor and why I chose the one I did! But I think I’ll save that for my book… or maybe I’ll write an article or a blog about it at some point…

You don’t know the genetic father of your baby and you’re single… won’t that be hard for you and your baby?

I don’t know the sperm donor personally, but I know more about him than most people know about each other in terms of extensive family health history and personality/psychological assessments. And although I’ll be a single mom, there won’t be any stress from a relationship not working out, decoupling, etc. My son will be entering into a peaceful, loving, healthy, happy home, and we’ll have friends and family and community supporting us in various ways. Yes, there will be some hard times, and there would be challenges even if I were partnered. Newborns, toddlers, raising children… sure, there are aspects of it that are hard and tiring. But I’ve wanted this so badly and for so long. And I am a strong, independent woman with a good support network and a lot of resourcefulness and faith. I know how to ask for and receive help when I need it. I also still do want to be happily married some day, so I don’t see my son growing up without a father for long. But even if he does, he’ll be just fine. We’ll be just fine. I’ve been preparing for this. It was no accident or sudden thing. It was extremely well thought out and intentional. I’ve done my research, my preparation. It’s going to be okay. We got this.

Okay, back to the surrogacy… Who is your surrogate? How did you find her?

I chose NWSC (Northwest Surrogacy Center) to help me find a surrogate, both because it seemed most likely they could match me with someone local, and because they seemed the most thorough and professional in how they screen GCs and handle the whole process.

My GC, who I won’t name or share much about quite yet, is a mother-of-three who lives about 90 minutes away. I’ve met her husband and children via Zoom, and I’ve spent some time with her in person both at appointments and for a walk. I also met her mother in the lobby of PNWF before the first embryo transfer. We are on the same page about a lot of things and also very different in some ways. We are both direct and communicative, and that has been helpful. My GC is so compassionate and understanding. Yes, she’s getting paid, but what she’s doing is also coming from her big generous and loving heart.

She had seen someone close to her go through IVF, and that was a big reason she wanted to help someone like me have a baby. And l loved that when we first met -- which had to be via Zoom because of covid-- she said something like, “it’s your pregnancy too. It’s your baby, you’re my partner in this -- not my husband.” <3  I think this came up while talking about whether or not she would be on board with me being in the delivery room and/or talking about what we both wanted in terms of frequency of communication. This meant a lot to me since it was already hard enough to think about my baby growing inside of another woman’s body -- I wanted a GC who would keep me updated and have me as involved as possible in the embryo transfer, pregnancy, and delivery. 

What’s the embryo transfer?

Remember how I said I had 4 suitable embryos? They were frozen. And then when it’s time for the embryo transfer, one gets thawed. My GC had to take hormone injections to prepare her body to have one of my embryos implanted in her uterus. And during the embryo transfer, she was awake, and it’s super fast. I got to watch it all happening on a screen via FaceTime — both times… There were two transfers about 6 weeks apart. The first embryo transfer was in November 2020. It didn’t work. I was super sad. Even though I had a few other embryos, and we knew it might not be a successful transfer the first time… that first one was my only female embryo. I won’t get into gender stuff here — I know in some ways it doesn’t matter. But in this case it mattered to me because for 2 years I’d felt a connection with a little girl spirit guiding me on this journey. So to me this wasn’t just a mass of cells that didn’t “stick,” it was much more than that…. And I’ll share more on that in my book... Although I was in full on grief mode, we decided to move forward with another embryo transfer just one month later. And that one worked! Hooray!

Are you worried about your GC wanting to keep your baby?

Nope! Not at all. I don’t know what happens if people find a GC who hasn’t been vetted by a professional agency, but… NWSC does extensive screening. They also only work with GCs who feel their family is complete, meaning that they don’t want any other children. My GC knows this baby is mine, not hers. She doesn’t want my baby. She wants to give me this gift of bringing my baby into the world. There have been PLENTY of worries along this journey, but this has never even slightly been one of them.

Do you have to... adopt your baby from your surrogate?

Absolutely not! At first I was shocked when somebody asked me this, but I guess some states actually do require that, at least in the case of “traditional” surrogacy, when the surrogate is providing her own egg—but that is uncommon these days. Most surrogacies are gestational, not “traditional.” My GC is not the mother. My egg. My embryo. My baby. I do not need to adopt my own child. Phew!

Have you felt the baby kick? 

Totally natural question to ask! Although it’s a benign question, it’s actually one that stirs up grief. Such an exciting thing that I don’t get to experience yet--or at all as I will not get to feel him moving around inside of my own belly. My GC can feel, internally, my baby kicking and moving around. So, yes, that’s great news that he’s kicking! But it will be longer until I can feel movement by placing a hand on her belly, and it might be even longer because of the placenta’s anterior position.

If questions like that might upset you, what’s okay to ask?

To some extent, that depends on our relationship and how we know each other! Or maybe somebody else in your life is going through this and you want to know how to support them? I’d just advise to ask general questions, like “how’s it going?” and then let the answer either include or not include pregnancy/baby-related stuff.

Will you be in the delivery room?

Yes. As I mentioned above, that was a big factor in feeling like I’d been matched with the right GC for me. She said it’s my baby, I’m her partner in this pregnancy (not her husband), it’s my pregnancy too, and I will be in the room with her. Even with covid, even if only one support person is allowed, I will be that person. As long as everything goes well, baby will immediately be placed in my arms for skin to skin contact while my GC delivers the placenta and gets cleaned up. And I feel fortunate that we talked about this at our match meeting. Some expecting parents are stressed about this and don’t know yet if their GC will say yes, even pretty close to the due date!

Will your baby be able to have breast milk?

Did you know it’s possible to stimulate lactation even if not pregnant? I didn’t until a couple years ago! Although it’s an option for me to try to breast feed, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and for a variety of reasons I’ve decided not to go through the process of trying to make that happen. My GC will probably be able to pump for a bit so that my baby can at least have some colostrum and breast milk before we switch over to formula. I am well aware of the benefits of breast milk and the concerns about formula. But I was formula fed, as were many others, and we all turned out just fine. Honestly, I really wish people would stop asking about this and/or offering unsolicited advice and opinions about it.

What was it like doing this in the midst of a pandemic?

Crazy stressful! I almost didn’t. I received the email about being matched with my GC in January 2020, and I wanted to meet her, but it turned out some additional records were still needed, and then by the time that was getting taken care of, covid happened... So we didn’t even meet until 6 months after that first email! After months of postponing, eventually I felt like why not? Who knows when this pandemic will end? But it made an already stressful process even harder. My GC even ended up getting covid, but she had mild symptoms that went away pretty quickly. Doing this during a pandemic also meant I could only join fertility clinic appointments (like the embryo transfer!) via FaceTime. Luckily I’ve been able to attend all appointments in person since graduating to the OB and midwife in Tacoma. Covid has also meant not spending as much time with my GC in person as we had both originally envisioned. Now that I’m vaccinated, and she’s already had covid, and the weather’s getting nice, perhaps we will meet in person more…

What is the thing that was/is the hardest about the parenting path you are on?

It’s really hard to pick one thing, but in this moment, I’d say: Feeling the need to explain the path, like with an FAQ, instead of just leaving it at, “I’m having a baby!” And I know I don’t HAVE to explain anything, don’t owe it to anyone. But… not sharing the news has started to feel as if it’s stifling my authentic self expression! And it’s not just as simple as saying “I’m expecting!” It’s complicated…. Like the other day I texted a contractor before he showed up here for a bid, to warn him I’m not pregnant. Why? Because I told him on the phone I needed the work done ASAP because I’m expecting a baby. Didn’t want him to think I was lying! It’s sort of comical. But also annoying and stressful to have to consider these things that I wouldn’t have to consider if I were pregnant myself. 

Another hard things is knowing that there are people who don’t “approve” of choosing to have a baby without a partner and/or of things like gestational surrogacy — or even the formula vs breast milk issue. I don’t really care what other people think, but sometimes I feel sensitive and protective, and like it’s important to have boundaries here. I’ve been through enough already without having to deal with people’s negative beliefs, opinions, judgments, or concerns.

Beyond that, I’d say the lack of control… yes, in some ways, there are some things in this process that are totally controlled, but there’s so much not in my control — like really needing to so fully trust the GC, this person I only just met with the most important thing… and not being the one to make decisions about what my baby is exposed to in terms of food, chemicals, conversations, etc…. Letting go, trusting, having faith. It’s hard. But it’s all part of becoming a mom, so I feel like I’ve been in training.

Oh and not being able to talk to my baby all throughout the day! That’s hard. Luckily I can make recordings, and my GC plays my recordings to my baby through her belly. So my baby will know my voice. Woo hoo! But it really hurts sometimes not being able to just talk to and sing to and feel my baby all throughout the day and night. It’s hard needing to rely on my GC to nurture my connection with my own baby by playing these short recordings every day or almost every day… It’s also super cool that we can do this, and that my GC was so on board with agreeing to it (that was actually one of my requirements during the matching process).

What is ONE thing you would advise to someone considering the same path as you?

As you can see above, I really suck at picking “one” thing, but this is another question I was asked to answer in my FAQ. So I’ll try: Take it one step at a time. 

But there’s more! ;-) Also take the time to get clear on how much or how little communication you want with your GC. You might not even know at first! Or it might change. Just don’t be afraid to request and advocate for what you’re wanting and needing—or be afraid (that’s fine!) but then do it anyway. ;-)

And there’s so much more in terms of advice… So maybe I’ll write articles or blogs before my book is ready. Or maybe just social media posts. Or maybe nothing. I may not be physically pregnant, but as my GC said, this is my pregnancy too. Part of me is growing in another woman’s body, and as one of my friend’s said, my heart is like a placenta…. This is a sacred time for me, so I am going back and forth between trying to get a lot done and also giving myself the time, space, and freedom to just be. <3